Wyndikan Xavier: Hey, everybody. Wyndikan Xavier here with Alex Stravier ready to give you part 3 of our Super Smash Bros. Brawl review. I know it's been awhile, but we've had some time to nail out every part of the game and let's just say... after further review... we're not as impressed as we once were.
Alex Stravier: Yep. I'm actually pretty disappointed with the lasting appeal that this game has. Collecting things in the game is pitifully easy or way-too-fucking hard. Clearing Boss Battle mode on Intense is awful, but getting all the CDs is as easy as thinking of a creative stage in which to do it! Trophies and stickers are just way too easy to collect, aside from a select few that take a ton of work (or luck), and, you guessed it: most can't be golden hammer'd on the Challenges screen!
Wyndikan Xavier: That's right, Alex. Many aspects of this game are disappointing, but some are tolerable. Let's review them part by part, shall we? Alex, in short, what's your final take on the character selection?
Character Selection – 2/5
Alex Stravier: Sucks. There are 35 characters to choose from, 2 share the exact same final smash, and the furry animals from space all have an extremely similar landmaster final smash. There isn't a whole lot of variety compared to what could have been. Sakurai could have easily brought in a lot more characters (instead of using the time he had adding in tons of useless trophies and stickers) from all over the Nintendo world, interesting ones, too. No Megaman or Bomberman? Come on, Megaman is huge! Why didn't he receive representation?
Wyndikan Xavier: Alex, I totally agree. And like I said before: characters get TIRING. 35 is not enough this time around. Feels like we've had more characters removed than added and none seem to be very gamebreaking either.
Kyle's Quip: I can't play most of the characters anyway.
Story – 1/5
Wyndikan Xavier: Next, it's on to the Story. I have to say that the more and more I play it, the more tiresome it becomes. The Great Maze is WAY too large and takes up half of the game. Also, I can't tell what the hell is going on! I'm wondering if you get that sense of abandonment by the story, Alex.
Alex Stravier: Yeah. The story really sucked (and so did the ending) and the overall repetitiveness of the Subspace Emissary was just enormously gay. I agree with your quip about the Great Maze, too; just way too damn long. And one time, when I was playing the game in the family room, my mom got scared and told me I was moving with my auntie and my uncle in Bel-air.
Kyle's Quip: I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and that's when I realized the story sucked.
Graphics – 1/5
Wyndikan Xavier: On to Graphics. I actually have to say that the graphics aren't too bad, Alex, but I do have problems with the alleged roundness of shapes. How am I supposed to enjoy Zero Suit Samus's giant jello molds when they're fucking square?
Alex Stravier: No kidding! And seriously, is Kirby octagonal or something? Christ.
Kyle's Quip: Being as I'm always at least 4 generations behind in videogames, I'd have to say the graphics are pretty good.
Sound –2/5
Wyndikan Xavier: Sound sound sound sound sound. That's all I hear about the people that hail this game as great. Nevermind the shitty gameplay, let's talk about how good the music is. I mean, what the fuck is with the opening theme? If I wanted to watch an opera, I would. But sorry Nintendo, I just don't tuck my junk between my legs.
Alex Stravier: The lyrics are all in Latin, too, which is ridiculous! Universal language my ass; we should just make English the universal language for everything (more on that requires another rant, so I will cut that off here!). There are 285 songs in the game, and most of them suck. You will find yourself going into "My Music" and turning off a lot of the music for most of the stages.
Wyndikan Xavier: If not all, Alex. If not all.
Kyle's Quip: Too bad I'm deaf.
Lasting Appeal – 2/5
Alex Stravier: We touched on this a little bit ago, but I'd like to bring up lasting appeal again. There is just no lasting appeal to this game. You can sit and play computer characters, which will trounce your ass infinitely because level 9s are impossible to beat, especially Pikachus and Jigglypuffs. Trophies and stickers suck, and the Subspace Emissary is not good for another playthrough, either. You can't even play people online because the online is so laggy and shitty.
Wyndikan Xavier: On top of all that, it just gets so freaking boring about about 20 minutes. There are only so many moves you can perform and they really wear themselves out after awhile. You can't really combo like in a traditional fighting game (something that SSB has been lacking for ages), which adds to the suck. Just give me a break, Nintendo. Lost your way and you can't seem to get it back so you give us another shitty game? The point of a fighter is combos and we're not getting any. Games such as Brawl suck.
Kyle’s Quip: Melee had so much more depth. Wavedashing and l-canceling added a lot more to the game, and you could combo people much more easily while still avoiding being hit. The technical side of Melee was awesome, but there is just no technical side for Brawl, so the lasting appeal that Melee had is gone.
Character Moves –3/5
Alex Stravier: We're going to move on to character moves now, and wow... some of these are just awful. Jigglypuff's Rollout got nerfed, big time. Pikachu's Thunder got a huge buff, and the cooldown time at the end is nonexistant, making him way lamer than ever. Mario's F.L.U.D.D. is completely useless, just like Squirtle's Water Gun. The lack of creativity is apparent with Zero Suit Samus and Diddy Kong, who have alternate "flip/kick jumps," which is just ridiculous. Oh, and did I mention the final smashes?
Wyndikan Xavier: Here's something you didn't mention, Alox, how unresponsive that damn controller is. I am sick and tired of it doing the wrong thing. I tell it to go in one direction and it decides to go in the other direction. On top of all of this, none of the characters feel natural. You were talking about Squirtle: don't get me started. Can't control the little fuck for shit. Give us the lowdown on stage selection, Alex.
Kyle's Quip: Wait... Squirtle's Water Gun doesn't do anything?
Stage Selection – 2/5
Alex Stravier: Oh man, the stages... they all suck so hard. The only stages I can stand playing are Battlefield, Lylat Cruise and Smashville. Final Destination is way too stupid in this game because of the fact that you can get caught underneath the stage trying to recover. Creating a flat stage could compensate, but why make us waste our time making such a simple stage? All the other stages, aside from Yoshi's Island, generally have some kind of really stupid hazard that dicks with you the entire time you play on the stage, which is completely and utterly retarded.
Wyndikan Xavier: I couldn't agree with you more. A little more on the stage builder: what the fuck? You have to create moar stages just get get more parts? I mean... you've got to be kidding me. That is incredibly retarded. What is this a driving test? Do we have to prove that we can do it so we can "get our licenses?" Give me a break.
Kyle's Quip: I make really gay stages.
Online Play – 4/5
Alex Stravier: I mentioned this a little bit earlier, but now we're going to get into the online play aspects of the game. I'll just tell you: they suck. If you accept the Smash Service, you get a Replay, a Snapshot, and a Custom Stage every day. They all suck because they're always from people who suck at the game. The lag while playing "With Everyone" is just awful. Hell, even "With Friends" is bad. Wyndikan and I couldn't even have a match without it lagging, and we live less than ten minutes apart. What the hell is that shit?
Wyndikan Xavier: I don't know, Alex. I actually really enjoyed the online play. Personally, I think it's some of THE BEST I've ever seen in a video game. THE BEST being that it's innovative. THE BEST being that no one has ever done it before. THE BEST being that I personally didn't experience any lag other than the first match I had with you. Simply THE BEST.
Which brings us to our Overall score...
Kyle's Quip: I heard you couldn't play this on dial-up. I was pissed.
Overall:
Wyndikan Xavier: Overall, I think Brawl is pretty... shitty. Melee was much better in nearly every aspect. The graphics weren't improved. Characters were innovative and fresh. Captain Falcon wasn't a starter. Whatdya got, Alex?
Alex Stravier: It's just awful; I could definitely give it up and let it down. Hell, I'd run around it and desert it, and make it cry, and then to end it, I'd say goodbye and tell it a lie and hurt it.
Wyndikan Xavier: You heard the man. Well, until next time, this is Wyndikan Xavier.
Alex Stravier: And Alex Stravier, suggesting that you stay the hell away from this crappy game!
Wyndikan Xavier: Agreed!
1 out of 5.
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