Papermate pencil erasers really do "suck ass" as Wyndikan points out. So, he decides to give them a little taste of their own medicine.

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The Blogdikan - Podcast!

The Blogdikan is finally podcast'd! At this point, only the Papermate Prank is up. Please listen to it here:

The Blogdikan Podcast

We Have a Domain!

We finally have a domain! www.blogdikan.com
Its official, folks!
The new e-mail addresses are:
Wyndikan – wyndikan@blogdikan.com
Alex – alexstravier@blogdikan.com
Jasper – jasperbigsby@blogdikan.com

Thanks for being so loyal and reading us for the last half a year. It’s been a great run and we hope to make it even better.    

Reasons Only Intelligent People Should Be Allowed To Watch Dateline

It was brought to my attention this week that this last Friday that Dateline did a piece on the popular internet community "MySpace." Instead of talking about the more than 52 million satisfied users of the site that use it to stay in contact with friends, meet their friend's friends, and to express their creativity in the production of their own profile, they try to sell some load o' shit that they brewed up in their cauldron of conspiracy that they have over there in Rockefeller Plaza.

The scam they run over there is quite simple: The masses love conspiracy. More specifically, conspiracy that applies to the daily lives of the masses. In the lack of this conspiracy that your common 'Joe Shmoe' wants to hear about, they'll make it up. You think that people would catch on eventually, but they throw curveballs. Those curveballs are news segments on conspiracies that are factual. If someone gets some factual information from Dateline, which Dateline does often provide, they'll assume its all true and eat whatever Dateline wants to feed them. This is all a conspiracy in which Dateline collaborates with the Democratic Party to feed the masses political messages. I am not a coot that thinks the government is out to get you. I don't think the government gives a rat's ass about Dateline. However, in the second you read that sentence, I had your attention. You may have thought I was a dumbass for saying it, coming from a website that for all you know is an unreliable source (which the Blogdikan is not), but if it was Dateline reporting a similar conspiracy, you'd more than likely take it as a fact. The fact is that people love conspiracy, and that's the daily special everyday on Dateline's menu. That's a constant. What isn't constant is sometimes you're fed facts, other days Grade A Crap.

Dateline is an entertaining show. Conspiracy is what we want. It gives us what we want. Why? To assist the government or special interest groups in brainwashing Americans? No. Ratings. Advertisements. Money. Money. One more time: Money. If you give the people what they want, they'll eat it, and if they eat it, they'll pay you for it of course. No, I don't know of anyone who pays to watch Dateline. I do, however, know of major corporations that pay to have 30 seconds of a lizard screaming their name or a guy that used to be fat that got skinny by eating sandwiches in the middle of Dateline. This is where they make their money. All shows make money like this, but the higher your ratings, the more money. Give people what they want, the higher the rating. What people want is the conspiracy. What if you don't have conspiracy every week? Simple. Make one up to fill in here or there.

Back to the main point of this post, which is the piece on MySpace. I don't feel like hashing out all of it, but I'll provide a Reader's Digest version: MySpace is a place where kids meet up with potential pedophiles and become victims of molestation. If you are a parent, you must strictly monitor your child's use of MySpace, or terminate their use of it. That was the message given by Dateline. The message that was sent out however based on a story given was: If you find out that your child has a MySpace, punish them in some way. Here's a link to the article. If you want to read more of the douchebagary, this is the time to do so. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11064451/

Anyhow, this is ridiculous. First of all, if you are of the recommended age of 14 and using MySpace, you understand the risks of posting personal information that may be obtained by a pedophile, which in all reality, they are nothing. If a pedophile knowing your contact information makes you more vulnerable to molestation, then its time for everyone to go outside and cover up the numbers on their mailboxes, because a pedophile may see you in your front yard and then decide to write this information down. The fact is, if I'm a pedophile, nothing is stopping me from beating down the door of a random house and molesting the inhabitants. You could argue that the parents of a child in the house (if any) would defend the child. They would if they were home. Just as they would if they pedophile had gotten the contact information via the internet. So there's no real difference. Some say that a sex offender can 'connect' with the child and gain his or her trust over the internet. If you trust someone you met over the internet and become victim of their sex crimes, you're a dumbass and that's your problem, and it’s caused by you being dumb, not by the internet.

You say, "Well Jasper, why do you care what Dateline says, you're smart enough to know what's fact and what's not." I am. However, ignorant parents aren't. They get a conspiracy theory that's entertaining saying they need to punish their children for using MySpace, they believe it and do it. So innocent teenagers are the real victim's here. I do not say this as a user of MySpace, because I am not one. You don't think kids get in trouble for this crap? I would have agreed with you until I had one friend get his door beat down to be inquired about his MySpace use (from a parent who had just turned off Dateline) and another who was asked (proving my point that these parents are ignorant) by their mother about "Myplace." The false information presented on Dateline is the cause of problems that are generated from people who don't know that much of what you see on television is inaccurate. Much of what is inaccurate is on Dateline. This is why only intelligent people should be allowed to watch Dateline, not as a news source, but purely as a source of made up conspiracy entertainment.

Erasist - The Papermate Prank: Part 1/2

Glancing over my last article, in my example, I noticed that I sighted that Papermate pencil erasers really do “suck ass.” What I’ve realized is: I’m entirely correct… and I need to expand on the subject, thusly: The Papermate Prank. My idea is to send a handwritten letter to Papermate, elaborating on my disgust of their product. Now, I figure handwritten is the way to go because Papermate is a company that, in my opinion, should have no technology. If you make computers, respond in an e-mail. If you make pencils, respond in graphite. That’s the way it should be, plain and simple. They might as well put their product to some use, seeing to it that they will now be losing a customer or two for future generations (not like they care).

(A transcript of the letter can be found below)

The whole idea behind the letter is to not be reimbursed, even though that is what the letter states. The real agenda is the many racial epithets hidden within its context. Does Papermate really care what I think? They say they do, but what are they going to do about it? The point is: if they really care enough, they’ll read my letter carefully and actually notice the racism within the letter and actually comment about it and/or not reimburse me at all… or respond (note: Wyndikan is not racist nor does he endorse racism of any kind)! Even if I get reimbursed: how will they do it if I am dissatisfied with their product? I should have asked for a bottle of “White Out.”
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Transcript of the Letter to Papermate:

Dear Papermate,

Let me express my extreme dissatisfaction with one of your products. American pencils have ruined my collegiate education. A fifty-page, handwritten paper over the "ethics of man" was completely spearchucked by your erasers. Every time your eraser meets the paper, I feel like I've been thrown into colonial America, forced to pick cotton without proper housing. The black marks on my paper definately do not pass for "erased." I really do hope that you have a good way of reimbursing me for this travisty. Maybe it's the coons you're using to make the rubber. Try different animals! I heard horses work well... even trees and petroleum! I'd venture to say that your pencils are erasist. I guess when paper and pencil mate, they really do make a tarbaby.

Hoping You Really Care,

Wyndikan Xavier

P.S. Please reimburse me!

Iraq Still Blows

That’s right. I said it. Iraq blows. Read my lips. I don’t know if you’re heard, but apparently, it’s the “last chance” for America to comply with a bunch of lunatics. The Raghead Group of Bladed Injustice (Swords of Righteousness Brigades) have captured 4 prisoners… and only one is American. However, these people demand that all Iraqi prisoners in the United States be released or they will die. That is to make a long story short. Here’s my take.

The four hostages are part of the Christian Peacemaker Teams who provide “organizational support to persons committed to faith-based nonviolent alternatives in situations where lethal conflict is an immediate reality or is supported by public policy.” How freakin’ ironic. But the real problem for us, the sane, is what to do about it. What are we supposed to say other than “sucks to be them?” Nothing. We can’t do crap right now, we just have to wait for them to die, because the US will never meet those demands and the SoRB will never compromise. It’s such a sad reality and you’re probably pissed at me for saying something so “insensitive,” but I’m just saying what the hell YOU are thinking and don’t have the testicular fortitude to come out with.

Even so, the SoRB continues to make this outrageously stupid demand, so I figured: why can’t I?

Dear Papermate,

I am currently holding four or your beautiful American pencils hostage. In the off chance that you will not find me, I demand that you make every single one of your pencils free from now on, or I will break these four. The erasers blow ass anyway.

Sincerely,

The American Tards with BB Guns and Plastic Swords for Laughing at Idiotic Arabs.

Oops! Did I Do That? Part 1.

Urkel, no, you didn't. But I did... I think... maybe. A lot of people are influenced by my word and now apparently (and I don't know how long), Jack Thompson's site, stopkill.com, is shut down! Woo hoo. Now only if he'd shut the hell up, we'd be in business. So what caused his website to shut down, anyway? The Blogdikan is probably not a real candidate, so what caused it to go down?

Well, I decided to find out. You see, in this 5 part series, I will sucessfully: find out why the site was shut down, laugh at him, and then prank him. You have to have a little play after a little bit of work, so why can't I?

Coming up in Part 2: The E-mail. Why was the site shut down, Jack? For repair?

How to Stop Smoking...

Stop inhaling cigarette smoke... dumbasses.

Logically, it cannot be hard to stop smoking. That's like saying that taking cyanide pills is a hard habit to break, or that no man can resist eating his own vomit.

You know, in response to this, I bet a lot of you are thinking: "HAY, WINDERKIN! YOU ARE RETARDED! IT IS HARD! YOU HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A SMOKER!"

Aha, see, that is where you are wrong: I do know how it is, but not because I smoke. I have to put up with bullshit like this every single day. I have to resist the urge to yell at all the smokers only to recieve a garbled responce because your vocal chords are completely shot. That's when I stop speaking all together and start to respond to that in "sign language." Get the picture?

In fact, I guarantee you that you will stop smoking by just stop inhaling cigarette smoke, cigar smoke, or any other kind of smoke. Hell, if you're a redneck, it can be campfire smoke: try me. I think that it if doesn't work, that you should have to pay me because you are such a dumbass.

Good day, dolts.

The Blogdikan Awards 2005

Oh, it was a slightly adequate year... and stop bitching to me about updating the site. Shut it, people. I got a lot of good stuff coming up, but thanks for being patie... wait. You weren't patient. You should have to wait longer... but here are the awards anyway:


Biggest Racist
Jesse Jackson
Kanye West - Jesse Jackson came in a close second, but the award has to go to Kanye West, for his spectacular dumbacity. Good job.
Ku Klux Klan

Greediest Jerk-off
Bill Gates
Jack Thompson - Wow. This was a toughy, but Jack Thompson comes away with the win due to his "successful" nonsensical ranting about the "horrors" of the video game industry. Get a grip, Jack.
Henry Schleiff

Stupidest Lawsuit
Michael Jackson - Lets just let this one die, alright? It was a stupid lawsuit. Do I think he did it? Yeah, but the media exploded the whole thing way out of proportion, pulling the race card yet again.
Blackberry Incident
Martha Stewart

Stupidest Theory
Levy Explosion Theory - This was the hardest category to grade. While the theory of evolution probably is the stupidest listed, very closely followed by scientology, they really neither had as big of an impact of the masses as did the levy explosion theory.
Scientology
Evolution

Greediest Corporation/Organization
Red Cross of America
Microsoft Corporation
Food and Drug Administration - Another tough choice, but this one goes to the FDA. All they care about is money, not you, whether you choose to believe that or not. The Red Cross came in a close second.

Best Website
The Blogdikan - Who would have thought?
The Best Page in the Universe
Zug

Best Waste of Time
www.stopkill.com - Jack Thompson - Jack will be taking home two awards today. And if you don't know WHY fark or slashdot didn't win this one, then just visit Jack's site and see for yourself.
www.fark.com - Drew
slashdot.org - Rob Malda

Worst Film of the Year
Saw II - Stupid, pointless, bad storyline, all over sucky. These are only a few words to describe how terrible this movie is. They're all pretty terrible, but this one takes home the gold because of it's appeal to the masses. Usually, masses of people are wrong and stupid.
Fantastic 4
Madagascar

Best TV Show
Mind of Mencia - Comedy Central, ahoy. The only reason that Mencia will take the prize is because it's a new show, with someone unusual to offer. Good job, Carlos.
South Park
Chapelle's Show

Worst TV Show
Laguna Beach
Desperate Housewives - I almost couldn't decide on this one, but this show has to be the dumbest. The plot is stupid, it's not funny or realistic, and the ladies are not even remotely attractive, I'm sorry. And you guys know it too, so stop going along with it just to please your woman.
Lost

Biggest Scam
Red Cross of America - Who would have guessed? What can I say about these guys other than: read my article.
"Psychic Detectives"
Gas Prices

Douchebag of the Year
Jack Thompson - Kanye came in a close second, but Jack pulled it away because of his two previous awards to West's one. Good job, Jack, you freaking douchebag. Why don't you go eat powdery vagina?
Kanye West
George Bush
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Well, that's it folks. See you next year.